The Pack Rules
by Cut The Dotted Line
Summary: Derek has to set some guidelines for his pack. Jackson as the Kanima has gained enough control and Derek has let him join them. Scott and Stiles are in the pack but with Stiles being human he's considered as the runt, and the runt gets picked on. Isaac Boyd and Erica are also there to make things better... or maybe worse. Series of one-shots and drabbles.
1. Where Oh Where Could Stiles Be?

Pack Rule # 13: Never forget Stiles.

Stiles was laying there in his bed almost asleep as he cuddled up to his pillow and imagined it was Lydia Martin he was cuddling with and not a pillow. It was an odd occurrence for him to actually get to bed before eleven on weekends and he really wanted sleep. A loud thump outside his window let him know that once again he wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight. He dragged himself out of bed as whoever was outside his window began tapping on the glass.

"What?" he snapped as he opened the window. He wasn't awake enough to realize it was Scott and Jackson he just grumped at.

"It looks like someone's cranky." Jackson snickered and Scott ignored him.

"Why don't you just use the door like normal people?" Stiles said to them. His dad was working the night shift again and they knew it since the curser wasn't in the driveway.

"We did knock dumbass you slept right through it." Jackson grumbled at him.

"Jackson, please do the world a favor and jump off the roof head first." Stiles said and then turned to Scott who had yet to say anything, "What do you want?"

"We wanted to know if you wanted to go out for pizza with the pack." Scott asked him with a smile. It had been a few months since Derek had finally talked him into joining the pack and rather than killing Jackson, Scott had talked Derek into helping him, and in a sort of strange way Jackson was made part of the pack.

"Why do I have the feeling your using pizza lure me into doing something I really don't want to do." Stiles said and Scott and Jackson looked at each other and back at him.

"It'll be fun~!" Scott said smiling at him.

"No. The last time I went with the pack I super glued to a display toilet at the Home Depot." He said backing away from the window.

"It was only your clothes it wasn't like it was your actual butt or anything, plus that was Isaac's demented idea of funny." Jackson said, "Come on I'll throw in bread sticks."

"Nope, no way, I'm not going." Stiles said and Scott sighed.

"Come on Stiles I won't let them prank you." Scott pleaded with his best friend.

"I swear if you prank me I'm never speaking to you again." He said and Scott smiled, "I'll be down in a second just let me get out of my PJs."

"Cool." Jackson said and then walked to the corner of the house and climbed down like a lizard while Scott just turned around and jumped.

Stiles stood there for a moment thinking about how weird his friends were. It only occurred to him at that moment that he hadn't thought they were weird in the whole werewolf and Kanima thing, but normal weird. "Does that make me weird?" he thought about it a second, "Nah."

* * *

Pack Rule # 1: If you're in trouble and can't your call parents call your Alpha.

Derek sighed as he pulled the Camaro up to Wal-Mart. He had gotten a call from the manager telling him he needed to pick up his teenage hooligans before the manager called the police. When he walked in he found angry old man that must've been the manager waiting for him. The manager gave him a dirty look before speaking to him in one of those 'I-think-I'm-the-boss' annoying voices.

"They said they were your kids? You don't look old enough to be their father and you don't look like any of them." He growled at him and Derek just glared at him.

"They're all adopted." He muttered, "Where are they?"

"Someone has to –"

"I'll pay for it." He growled at the man. It was one thing that he had to go to Wal-Mart in the night, but he was not going to get yelled at by some pathetic human. "Where _are_ they?"

"Right this way…" the man said unnerved by the way Derek had snarled at him. He led him to the gardening section where he could already smell dirt and wood chips. When he turned the corner he started reconsidering what he had said about paying for what they had done.

There was dirt so thick on the ground you couldn't see the tile floor. Erica, Scott, and Isaac had wood chips in their hair and Derek had the feeling one of the other two were the cause for that. Plants were lying around uprooted and pots they had once been in were shattered on the ground. There were servile shovels with broken handles and he could only begin to imagine how they had been broken.

"What happened?" he growled and they all flinched, including the manager, "I want to know now!" every one of his betas, and Jackson, looked at the manager. Derek understood that they couldn't say exactly what happened because the manager was standing there. "Could you give us a minute?"

The manager huffed and walked away from them and Derek turned back to them. He could see the dirt that hadn't been brushed off of Jackson and Boyd's clothes. There was also dirt in their hair and smudges on all of their faces.

"We… got into an argument." Scott said sheepishly.

"An argument, really?" Derek snapped and Scott put his head down, "I don't think an argument could demolish this much of Wal-Mart."

"It's entirely his fault." Erica said and Derek glared at her. She looked everywhere but at her Alpha. "It was my idea to come to the gardening section; I figured we could buy some flowers or something to make the subway station seem a little more… homey."

"…" Derek hadn't expected that. His pack wanted to make his lair more comfortable, but that did change that he was still mad. "How did this happen out of that?"

"Boyd and I got in an argument with Isaac, Erica, and Scott and it… turned violent." Jackson said shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably.

"Yeah, Jackson and I agreed that non-flowering plants would be best, but they wanted flowers." Boyd said and then went back to tapping his foot nervously.

"Okay, I can understand why Erica would want flowers, but you two?" Derek looked at Isaac and Scott who both laugh nervously.

"The place needs some color…" Isaac said glancing up at him and then looking back at the floor.

"It smells there and flowers could make the place smell better." Scott said smiling meekly at him.

"Why didn't you just get both?" He said and they all shrugged, "You know if you would've brought Stiles with you he probably would've said the same thing?"

"We did bring Stiles…" Jackson said and then they all looked around.

"Then where is he?" Derek asked and then looked at Isaac, "Did you glue him to another toilet?"

"No, I didn't! Honest! I swear!" he said backing up with his hands in front of him as if that would stop his Alpha from harming him if he really wanted to.

"Okay, then where do you last see him?" he looked at his pack and they all looked at each other in worry.

"Well I remember him sitting next to me at Pizza Hunt." Scott said and they all nodded.

"Yeah, and I remember him getting in the back of my Porsche." Jackson said.

"He came in with us." Erica said and then furrowed her brow, "And then he said he was going to the bathroom."

"Scott text him and tell him to get over here." Derek said and Scott pulled out his phone. After five minutes of silence the pack began to worry. "I'm going to go have them call for him over the intercom and I want this place to be spotless when I get back. Do you hear me? SPOTLESS!"

"Stiles Stilinski to register twelve, your party is waiting," Was called over the intercom twice. Five minutes later the pack heard them call it again and then in another five. After hearing another two times they came up to check out counter twelve where Derek was looking as calm as ever, but his pack could smell panic radiating off of him. The Alpha's panic turned into their panic.

"You don't think someone kidnapped him do you?" Erica asked them and they all seemed to panic more.

"What if that rival pack we came across in the woods the other day took him?" Isaac said eyes filled with worry.

"They wouldn't hurt him, would they?" Everyone looked at Derek.

"I can't lose my best friend." Scott said as he began to break down fearing the worst.

"Maybe he took someone's car and went back home?" Derek said and they all shook their heads.

"We only drove two cars, and not everyone can fit in Erica's crappy car or my Porsche." Jackson said once again finding a way to rub the fact his car is awesome in everyone's face.

"Yeah, I know, I remember that time it broke down and everyone had to sit on each other in my _Camaro_." Derek said showing his worry by striking out.

"Hey, don't get mad at me, it wasn't my idea to invite Stiles." He said glaring at Scott who was under a cloud of constant fear for his friend.

"If he's in trouble it's all my fault…" Scott said and Erica sighed.

"Maybe we left him at Pizza Hut." She said and Jackson shook his head.

"No, I remember him getting into my car." He said to her.

"You could've been mistaken." She said since she was the calmest out of them, "One of us should go back and see if he's there."

"I'll go." Scott said and she rolled her eyes.

"With what car?" she asked deflating his sudden hope.

"You go then." Jackson said and she glared at him.

"I don't have the gas to go back there and make it home, you do." She snapped at him.

"Fine," He said and then stormed out of Wal-Mart.

"Does he have to throw a hissy fit over everything?" Boyd grumbled.

"Yeah, he was the first one to throw a pot at us." Isaac said and Derek glared at them.

"It doesn't matter who started it, your all still in trouble." He said as his phone began ringing. Everyone else's began to ring as well and they all ran out the door. Jackson stood leaning against his car with a smirk that everyone wanted to slap off his face.

"What'd you call us out here for?" Scott demanded Jackson angrily.

"Look at what I found." There sat Stiles sleeping soundly with his face against the window. The group relaxed knowing that their runt of a pack mate was safe and sound. "So can we go home now?"

* * *

Cut The Dotted Line: So I made these to help myself practice writing funny scenes. I'm a more serious writer, but I want to try writing something that is challenging for me. I'd love to have my readers in put on things and if you'd like to suggest a pack rule that'd just be awesome. I already have 15, but more are always good. They're all like one sentence prompts... well you've seen the rules above the stories. I'm going to try to add two rules per chapter, but if one story to go along with rule is really long then it'll be a one rule chapter. Oh I have to give a BIG THANK YOU to TheHalfDrunkMonkey for inspiring me to write these. If you haven't read the Sheriff Laws you should totally check them out. Plus, if you think my story is lacking Sterek it TheHalfDrunkMoney has Sterek. Morana signing out~!


	2. Violence, stupidity, and more violence

Pack Rule #7: Do NOT threaten each other with power tools.

The pack had all been sitting around one day talking when Stiles' dad walked into the house. He wasn't at all freaked out by the teenagers talking and just being teenagers, but when he saw Derek sitting there reading _his_ newspaper he was a little worried. Derek's name had been cleared of all wrong doing, but that didn't mean he trusted him.

Derek knew that the Sheriff was watching him and he was listening to the pack talk, and then he knew Isaac was about to say something about werewolves. The Sheriff really didn't need to know about them yet, so Derek let everyone know about who was listening in on them.

"Good evening, Sheriff Stilinski." Derek said smiling friendlily at him – although his pack didn't think it was possible for Derek to smile – and all conversation stopped.

"Good evening to you too." He said and then walked into the kitchen after giving everyone a look.

"We need to find a new place to hang out." Derek said and they all nodded.

"The subway station is too dangerous with humans around." Erica said glancing up at Stiles and Danny. Danny had recently been introduced to the world of werewolves, Kanima, and hunters, but seemed to be taking it fine.

"Yeah, and it's creepy." Danny said and Stiles nodded in agreement.

"Why don't we all just fix up your old house Derek?" Scott suggested like it was the simplest thing in the world.

"Well for one, the state owns it, two, I don't think I have the money for that, and three –"

"You do too have the money for it." Erica piped up, "I looked up everything my dad has on that place and it said that you and Laura had a ton of cash you were supposed to get, but neither of you went to claim it when your turned eighteen."

"…" Derek stared at her liked she had just told him she was a wereunicorn, "… I was never told about that."

"Well… I looked into the numbers and you should have enough to buy it back and fix it up and still have enough left over to furnish the place." She said and he sat back in the chair.

"Huh… who wants to help me fix it up?" he asked.

Derek was outside cutting two by fours as he listened to what was taking place inside the house. Scott and Jackson were nailing something up, Erica, Danny, and Stiles were painting the only finished room, although he wasn't sure why it took three people to paint one room, but he didn't really care as long as it got done. Isaac and Boyd were nailing things up on the roof. Those two had the nail guns since they were the only ones that had proven themselves worthy of using them.

_Two weeks before…_

"Will you move your foot?" Jackson asked kind of nicely.

"Give me a second." Scott said as he tried to angle the nail gun just right to nail it in the wood where he was at.

"Come on!" Jackson snapped at him and then his finger slipped.

"AH!" Scott screamed as a nail went through his foot, "What the hell?"

"Well you wouldn't move!" Jackson yelled at him.

"Dude, you just ruined my shoes!" Scott said reaching down and pulling out the nail.

"If you were worried about those crappy shoes then why the hell did you wear then when you knew we'd be fixing up this place?" Jackson growled at him.

"They're my only pair!" Scott said and then took his nail gun and shot a nail in Jackson's arm.

"AH! YOU BASTARD!" and then nails were being shot through the air.

Derek could hear all of this taking place outside as he cut two by fours. He knew he had to stop it before someone got really hurt. That's when the sound of footsteps on the stairs reached his ears. Derek sprinted to the house just in time to see a nail sit Stiles in the leg.

"AH!" Stiles scream was almost like that of a girls and Derek flinched at the very sound.

"Stiles!" Scott reached his best friend before anyone else, "I'm so sorry man, I didn't mean to shoot you!"

"Screw you!" Stiles shouted at him and Scott flinched.

"I'm sorry; just let me get the nail out." Derek grabbed Scott's hand before he did something stupid.

"Leave it in; if you pull it out you can cause more damage." Derek told him and then looked up as Erica walked down the stairs, "Erica put him in his jeep and drive him to the hospital, if anyone asks say you were helping a friend remodel their house and the nail gun malfunctioned."

"Okay." She said picking up Stiles bridal style and carrying him away. It was probably the most humiliating thing ever to have a girl carry him, but he'd just have to deal with the blow to his manliness.

"You two," Derek snarled and Scott and Jackson both jumped when they saw his red glowing eyes. "What the hell were you thinking? You could've killed each other? Or you could've killed Stiles!"

"He shot me in the foot." Scott said backing away from his Alpha.

"I know." Derek growled, "I want every nail you shot pulled out of the walls, and you–" Jackson flinched, "–better buy him a new pair of shoes."

"Wha –"

"You heard me!" Derek roared and they both flinched, "Now give me the nail guns!"

They quickly handed the guns over and he stormed out of the house. When he returned he found them trying to pull the nails out of the walls with their hands. Derek threw the hammers at them successfully hitting them both in the head. He walked back out the door before he could hear either of them yell at him.

* * *

Pack Rule #20: If the label says it's flammable then it's FLAMMABLE!

Mr. Stilinski sat in his kitchen reading over a file as Stiles and Scott walked into the kitchen. He looked up and smiled at his son and then looked at Scott and started to smile but then blinked at him. The boy had no eyebrows.

"Uh, do you mind me asking what happened to your eyebrows?" Mr. Stilinski asked and Scott touched where his eyebrows had once been.

"I thought you said they were still there?" He turned to Stiles who was trying not to laugh.

"We decided to see if hair spray was really flammable so we got our friend Erica's hair spray and this genius sprayed facing into the wind and…" Stiles couldn't hold back his laughter any longer.

"Now everyone's going to think I'm some sort of freak!" Scott said stomping off as Stiles held onto a chair to keep from laughing.

"So he singed his eyebrows off…" Mr. Stilinski said chuckling a little.

_Lacrosse practice the next day…_

"McCall?" Coach Finstock said and when Scott looked up his coach's eyes widened, "What the hell happened to your eyebrows?" Stiles, Danny and Isaac began laughing.

"I told you, you should've had your girlfriend draw them on this morning!" Jackson said and then laughed too. Scott once again stomped away like an angry teddy bear.

* * *

Pack Rule # 8: Don't stick your pack mate's tongue to a frozen pole.

It was the beginning of winter and Derek and the pack had finished their work on his house just before school had started for them. Derek sat around slightly bored, but also enjoying the silence that filled his house without all of his betas running around. Since he had nothing to do he stretched out on the black leather sectional that Erica picked out and did what he always did when they were out of his hair; nap. Fifteen minutes into his nap his phone began ringing. Usually he'd ignore it, but in his drowsed state of mind he picked up.

"Hello…" Derek mumbled sleepily.

"_Hep muh?"_ The voice on the other end sounded as if it was gagged.

"Where are you?"

"_Shool puckin' ote!" _Derek sighed sadly understanding what the person on the other end was saying.

"I'll be there in a few minutes." He told them and hung up the phone.

Derek put on his winter coat over his leather jacket and walked outside and then got in his car. He hadn't bothered to check the caller ID, so he had no idea who he was rescuing from the school parking lot. When he pulled up he looked around and then he saw him. There stood Stiles right next to the flag pole and as Derek walked up to him he realized he was stuck to the pole.

"Duh-uck?" Stiles attempted to say Derek's name.

"What the… what the hell possessed you to do this?" Derek asked him and Stiles tried to answer.

"Luh duh-net!" he tired to say and Derek sighed.

"I should rip your tongue off for waking me up." Derek said and Stiles' eyes got big and he whimpered pathetically. He decided that instead he would let Stiles sweat a little and he just walked away.

"DUH-UCK!" Stiles screamed in fear, but Derek went into the school. When he came back Stiles was still pathetically making noises to get someone to help him. "Duh-uck~!"

"Hold still." Derek said opening a bottle of water and poured it over Stiles' tongue. Stiles pulled his tongue off the pole and sighed happily.

"I could hug you right now." Stiles told him.

"Don't." Derek growled and then started to walk away.

"Wait!" Stiles said and Derek turned around and looked at him.

"What?"

"I didn't stick my tongue on the pole willingly." He said and Derek raised his brows and chuckled a little.

"Okay, I've got to hear this one."

"Jackson was being his usual prick self, I was acting like a child and stuck my tongue out at him." Stiles said and then took another breath, "Erica somehow managed to stick my tongue to that fucking pole and they left me. I tried texting Scott, but he said that his dentist appointment was pushed back an hour, so I called you since I figured you'd ignore any text you got from me."

"How long have you been out here?" he asked him.

"About an hour, maybe more," Stiles said unhappily, "Can you please tell Isaac and Erica that I can only handle so much?"

"Yeah, um tell Danny not to come over today, but tell the rest of the pack to, we're going to have a little meeting." Derek said and Stiles nodded.

"Sure, and, uh, thanks." Stiles walked away from Derek as he watched him go. He knew Stiles was having a lot of problems, but he hadn't mentioned them to anyone, but Scott. Derek had listened in of course and that's how he knew that Stiles' dad had had a minor heart attack. All the jokes the pack played on him when Scott wasn't around to back him up were getting to Stiles. Derek would put a stop to that; the poor boy was going through enough as it was.

* * *

Cut The Dotted Line: Can anyone else picture Scott without eyebrows? Sorry if no one liked the teddy bear thing at the end of that rule. It's just that Scott doesn't seem scary to me. Derek, yeah he's scary, but Scott... teddy bear. I'm sorry if it wasn't as funny this time, but I'm better at writing serious things than I am funny things. Oh, and a lot of these things are inspired by things that actually happen in my life. My friends and I used to go to Wal-Mart at 2 in the morning, but rather than buy plants we bought fish, they don't have fish at my Wal-Mart anymore... it's kinda sad. I had a friend singe their eye brows off and it was really funny. My teacher told me about when she stuck her tongue to the ice box in her mom's house and she actually ripped a little her tongue off because she didn't know the water trick. Anyway... Morana signing out~!


	3. Cute things can melt the coldest hearts

Pack Rule # 11: Put the lid down for Erica.

Sometimes Derek felt like he had gone through a divorce and ended up with seven unruly teenagers at his house on weekends. He didn't mind them being there from Friday to Sunday, but when things like sleeping arrangements became an issue because someone felt someone up, Derek had just about had enough of them. He gave up having a workout (and sauna, and study, etc ;) room just so they could all have their own rooms.

When 11:30 rolled around he either wanted everyone quiet or everyone had to go to bed. Around midnight everyone was asleep and the whole house was silent. Derek woke up randomly throughout the night, he always had even as a kid, but he just laid there in bed until he went back to sleep. However that didn't happen tonight.

"AHHHH!" Erica's scream got all seven of the guys up at once. They ran to the bathroom door as it swung open, but that was their first mistake.

"Erica, are you alright?" They were all asking her this as they ran up to her. Running up to her was their second mistake. She swung the plunger at them and hit Scott, Jackson, and Isaac. She turned on the others and every guy ended up hit with the plunger. Derek was glad it hadn't been used yet, since he got hit with it too.

"What the hell is your problem?" Jackson shouted as she swung it at them all again.

"All of you!" she roared at them, "I don't know how many effing times I've had to tell you all to put the lid down, but this is the last straw!"

"Erica, calm down, they'll put the lid down from now on!" Derek said since she was on the verge of shifting into her wolf form. It was mostly due to the serious case of PMS she had, and whenever it was that time of the month she flipped her lid.

"What'd you do, fall in again?" That earned Boyd another whack from the plunger.

"I swear if I find the lid up one more time I'll shove this so far up your asses it'll you'll taste your own shit!" she growled as she swung the plunger around. All of the guys were out of her swinging distance by now.

"We'll put the lid down." They all said at the same time.

* * *

Pack Rule # 10: No beating each other with chairs.

Derek had noticed that he was running low on some things that his packed liked to eat and toiletries among other things, so he went out to get them at the store. He had left early in the morning before anyone was up and when he came back he could hear that everyone was awake and down stairs. He walked in with groceries in his hands and into the kitchen and the sight he found probably would've made anyone, but Derek, see red.

Crushed cereal and broken wood littered the kitchen floor. Derek looked around at all the horrified faces that stared at him. He almost laughed when he saw Danny and Stiles hiding behind the only remaining chair in a corner. Someone walked in behind him and scoffed at the sight.

"Oh. My. God," Jackson said as he stood next to Derek holding several Hardees bags that smelled like breakfast food, "What'd you guys do? Get in a fight over the last handful of cereal?" some of them looked away and others put their heads down, "Seriously, I told you I was going to get breakfast and you guys have a fight without me!"

"Ahm," Derek cleared his throat, "I want you all to put these groceries away, and then I want my kitchen spotless." He paused a moment to glare at all of them, "I don't care if you all have to stand or sit on the floor, but that chair –" he pointed at the chair in Stiles and Danny's grasp, "– is mine, and I'm not buying anymore new chairs."

"Do I have to –?"

"Yes." Derek said cutting off Jackson as he sat the groceries on the table and then went outside to get the rest.

_Later that day…_

Derek came inside to find everyone playing video games in the living room as usual at noon. He rolled his eyes at them and went into the kitchen, but stopped in the doorway at what he saw. There were eight mismatched chairs at the kitchen table, but Derek smiled knowing whose chair belonged to whom. It wasn't that he could tell by the scent, even though he could, but that each chair matched the pack member it belonged to.

Scott's chair was a lawn chair, Stiles' a fold out chair he would take to go fishing, Jackson's was a new leather chair and the only one besides Derek's that was actually a kitchen chair. Erica's was oddly girly and he guessed she had brought the white wicker chair from her home. Danny's chair was iron and looked like it had once been in someone's garden. Isaac and Boyd had stolen a stool (Isaac's) and a lunch chair (Boyd's) from the school, but Derek didn't care. It made the Alpha feel as if they had made his home more like theirs in a way, and Derek couldn't help the smile that came to his lips. That made him smile, and the fact that the kitchen hadn't looked this good since he rebuilt.

* * *

Pack Rule # 24: No means no… most of the time.

Stiles was driving in his jeep to Derek's house where everyone was hanging out per usual. He happened to glance to his right and he saw a box with the word 'FREE' on the side. Normally he wouldn't have bothered with something like that, but his curiosity got the better of him and he did a U turn. After parking his jeep Stiles walked across the road and opened the box, and lo and behold a black Labrador puppy jumped up and gave him a doggy grin as his tongue lolled out.

"Aw, well aren't you the cutest little thing." Stiles said picking him up. He checked to see if the puppy had tags and he didn't so Stiles pulled out his cell phone. "Hey dad, you'll never guess what I found on the side of the road!"

"_What?"_ He asked not really caring, probably because he had something he needed to do.

"I found this puppy –"

"No." his dad said before he could even ask.

"But dad –"

"I said no." He said and Stiles sighed.

"Okay, bye dad, love you." He said hanging up. Stiles looked down at the puppy, which looked back at him. They stared at each other for a few seconds and then Stiles put the puppy back in the box and took it to his jeep.

When he kicked the door a few times Derek answered and Stiles pushed the box into his arms, "Your birthday is this month right?"

"Next month." Derek said looking at the box.

"Well happy early birthday!" Stiles said cheerfully.

"Free, huh?" Derek said glaring at him. He was slightly insulted that Stiles didn't think he was worth spending money on. Stiles smiled sheepishly and walked into the living room where everyone else was already at. Derek sighed and went into the kitchen and sat the box on the kitchen table. He then went over, opened the fridge and that's when the box barked. Derek looked at the box and then growled. "STILES!"

"What~?" Stiles asked with that same sheepish grin.

"What is that?" Derek asked and Stiles laughed nervously.

"Derek, what are you talking about?" Stiles said and Derek opened the box and pulled the puppy out by the scruff of the neck. He gave Stiles his adorable puppy grin as Boyd walked into the kitchen.

"Aw, you got a puppy!" Boyd said and then shouted to the others before Derek had time to stop him, "Hey everyone Derek's got a puppy!"

"A puppy!" Several female voices said excitedly and the first three through the door were Erica, Allison and Lydia. The ladder two had recently joined the pack, mostly after Lydia found out about everything.

"No!" Derek said stepping back from the nine people that were running towards him, "We are not keeping the puppy, and you're all going to go find it a new home."

"He is a boy not an 'it'." Lydia said to him like he was stupid.

"Whatever, we're not keeping it." Derek said to them and they sighed.

"Fine, we'll go find him a home, but you're staying here and watching him." Stiles said and Derek narrowed his eyes at him, "I mean will you watch him while we find him a home?"

"Sure, I just want it gone." Derek said as Jackson took the puppy out of his grasp. He held him as everyone gathered around petted him. Everyone made over the puppy and Derek just rolled his eyes.

"Please be nice to him while we're gone!" Scott called over his shoulder since he was the last one out. The puppy sat on the floor looking up at Derek and Derek looked back down at him. The puppy cocked his head to the side and blinked up at him.

"…cute…" Derek muttered.

_Meanwhile…_

"We're going to Pet Co. right?" Jackson asked as soon as the door was closed.

"Well, yeah, they closed Pet Smart." Isaac said rolling his eyes.

"Wait, I thought we were going to find him a new home?" Allison asked confused as to what they were planning.

"Please, that was just a cover to go buy him stuff." Lydia said to her as if it were obvious.

"Oh, so you think he'll let us keep it?" she asked looking at everyone as they got into the cars.

"Derek doesn't have a choice in this." Danny said confidently.

When everyone pulled up at Pet Co. they got three carts. The guys went straight for the dog food and puppy chow, while the girls got toys. Danny and Stiles split from the non-human guys and went to find a dog bed, toy box, and dishes. They were all acting like kids in a candy shop since Jackson and Lydia offered to buy anything they thought the puppy would like. The girls ended up going and getting a second cart for the toys and the guys had about three different types of dog food to see what the puppy liked best, not to mention an assortment of various treats.

"I'm glad you guys got him treats, we got toys you can put the treats in!" Erica said excitedly.

"Awesome!" Boyd said smiling widely.

"Hey, uh do you sell Front Line here?" Jackson asked the clerk at the checkout counter.

"Uh, yeah, how big is your dog?" the clerk asked.

"Well, he's just a puppy." Jackson said to him.

"Do you know how much he weights?"

"He felt like he was at least five or six pounds to me." He told him.

"Okay, I'll be right back." The guy said and went to get the flea medicine.

"Are you buying _all_ of these toys?" The clerk in the other line asked Lydia.

"What other reason would I bring them all up here for?" Lydia said sarcastically.

"Oh my god…" Stiles said behind Jackson's cart as he looked at the two carts Lydia had piled with toys, "Danny, we're going to need a bigger toy box."

"I told you we needed to get the biggest toy box, that they had expanded the dog toy section, but nooo they won't have that many." Danny said and Stiles sighed.

"Come on; let's just get the other one." Stiles grumbled, "Hey Scott will you take our cart while we go get the bigger toy box."

"Sure." Scott said with a laugh as Danny and Stiles carried the box back.

When the pack finally got home they walked into the house only to find Derek fast asleep with the puppy on his chest and his arm around it. The girls made silent 'aw' faces at the sight as Stiles and Danny brought the toy box in and set it in the corner of the room. The girls began filling it with toys as the guy brought in the other stuff. When the sound of kibble hitting a bowl reached the puppy's ears he jumped off of Derek's chest and went into the kitchen.

The lack of warmth woke Derek up seconds later and he blinked over at the girls gushing over the toys, like, well, girls. He sighed sleepily and went into the kitchen where the other guys were. They looked up at him as he walked over, opened the fridge, and grabbed a coke. He took a drink and looked at them almost as if he was bored.

"I'm glad to see you found him a home." Derek said and everyone smiled.

* * *

Cut The Bottom Line: The kitchen chair thing is something that actually came from a real life experience. I kind of vented my want for a lab puppy, but I probably would've never thought to put it in if I hadn't read Ihni's story 'Mission: Making the werewolf smile'. You should all go read it~! I kinda of feel like this chapter wasn't as funny as the others, what do you think? I'd really like to have more reviews telling what you all think and I'm always open for suggestions for rules. Anyway Morana signing out~!


	4. Bad smells, names, and hair dye

Pack Rule # 15: Never – NEVER –take a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night.

Isaac regretted the cheese eating contest that took place at 2am on a Friday night. He had won, but it came at a price, and even though he was a werewolf that didn't mean he was never constipated. He had actually thought that since he was a werewolf cheese wouldn't have that effect on him, but it still left him shitless.

He decided to take a laxative like any normal person would, but he decided to take it around ten at night. Everyone started to go to bed one by one and then he was alone watching TV in the living room at twelve something. The only mildly interesting thing that was on TV was this documentary on the life of a bug whose name he couldn't pronounce.

With a sigh he got up and got into the medicine cabinet, he remembered seeing that Derek had sleeping pills for when his work messed up his schedule. Derek worked at a club as a dancer, which the pack found hilarious since he was straight and it was a gay club, but apparently they tipped well there. Isaac remembered him saying that he only took one and it knocked him out, so he took one too. He had forgotten about taking the laxative and went to bed.

The next morning Isaac found a lovely surprise in his pants. He listened to make sure no one else was up yet before getting out of bed and finding clothes. When he got out in the hall Derek, of all people, stepped out of his bedroom door and looked sleepily at Isaac, and then his eyes widened.

"Did you –?"

"Please don't tell anyone." Isaac said pausing stopping before his Alpha.

"I won't if you go take a bath." Derek said taking a step away from him and covering his nose, "Just throw those clothes away; I'll get you new ones if I have to."

Isaac nodded and quickly rushed to the bathroom. He had forever learned his lesson about taking laxatives and sleeping pills, and he never wanted take them again.

* * *

Pack Rule # 25: Alpha gets final say.

Derek called together a pack meeting and everyone sat around on the huge sectional sofa as Derek sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. The puppy sat in his lap asleep like it had been since school let out for them –that had been when everyone started showing up – and Derek gently stroked him.

"So… why aren't you letting us watch TV again?" Erica spoke up, but whispered because the puppy was asleep.

"What's going on? What's the meeting for?" Scott said shifting around in his spot on the sectional antsy.

"We only have one topic for this meeting…" Derek said and everyone leaned forward a little in their seats, "… what are we going to name him?"

Everyone rolled their eyes and sighed at him, but – although he'd never admit it – their reactions amused him a little. After their disappointment in not having a more interesting topic for the meeting they began brain storming, although for some of them it was more like brain dripping.

"My dog's name is Prada so why not call him –"

"We are not naming him after a name brand." Jackson said and Lydia narrowed her eyes at him.

"I hate to agree with Jackson, but that isn't happening Lydia." Derek said to her and she folded her arms across her chest.

"Fine," She said huffily. The puppy sat up stretching in Derek's lap and then yawned.

"How about, Max?" Stiles asked and then looked at the puppy, "Come here Max." The puppy looked at him as if he were stupid, "Okay, I guess he doesn't like that name."

"Fido?" Isaac said and Erica snorted.

"That's a stupid name." She said.

"Well do you have anything better?" he said and she rolled her eyes.

"I think Prince would be a good name for him." She said confidently.

"Try to get him to come to you by that name." Stiles said and she rolled her eyes.

"Like he's going to know it's his name the moment we pick it." She said to him.

"Well, labs are one of the smartest breeds of dogs." Lydia said and Erica gave her a dirty look.

"Fine, come Prince, come." Erica said unenthusiastically and the dog gave her an unenthusiastic glare right back.

"Okay, that's not his name…" Stiles said wondering if the puppy was picking up Derek's behavior.

"Hey, uh, we're a pack, so why not name him like Omega or something?" Boyd offered, "Come here Omega." Boyd bent down clapped his hands, but the puppy looked at him and then stuck his nose in the air as if he were insulted, "I guess he doesn't like that."

"Beta? Come over here Beta!" Scott tired following the trend, but the puppy still wouldn't come.

"Are you a little Alpha?" Derek cooed at him – everyone went into momentary shock at the sight of Derek being sweet – and then the puppy's tongue lolled out in his signature grin and he barked up at Derek.

"Come here Alpha." Allison said and Alpha ran to her.

"I guess Alpha got the final say in his name." Derek said with a smirk.

* * *

Pack Rule # 18: Stiles is not your test dummy.

Derek was walking towards the bathroom when Stiles walked out. Derek glanced at him and then did a double take. Stiles had let his hair grow out a little, but now it was a variety of different colors, all natural, but not his. He looked at Derek and sighed.

"The girls asked me to help with hair dye." He said and Derek nodded.

"I think you went a little over board." Derek said and Stiles gave him a sarcastic laugh.

"When I said I would help them I didn't have this in mind." He said pointing at his hair and Derek chuckled, "Will you…"

"I'll go get the clippers, go outside so you don't get hair on the floor, and I'll be out there to buzz your hair after I have a talk with the girls." He said and Stiles walked down the stairs.

When Derek finally came out side Stiles looked at him, but it was now his turn to do a double take. The girls must have over powered him somehow because his hair was no longer black, but a slightly orange blonde. Stiles' face looked like he was trying to suck his lips into his mouth, but Derek knew he was just trying not to laugh.

"If you laugh, I'm taking a picture of your hair and posting on face book for everyone to see." Derek said and Stiles closed his eyes.

"I can't help it." Stiles said in a high pitched voice and Derek sighed.

"Fine, laugh," Derek said and when Stiles could breathe again he smiled up at Derek.

"So after you fix this mess on my head do you want me to fix yours?" Stiles asked and Derek smirked.

"Yeah, but you're going to be dying my hair back to black."

* * *

Cut The Dotted Line: I love it when you guys review telling me things you'd like to see! I almost posted my list of rules, there are 27 rules, and 17 of them haven't been written yet, so that would've been a big spoiler. I feel like this chapter was the least funny I've written so far. Anyway review and tell me what you think. Morana out~!


	5. Curtain rods and ice cream buckets

Pack Rule # 10: No beating each other with kitchen chairs. Amendment: No beating each other with kitchen chairs or curtain rods.

Derek was mad, no he was more than mad, he was furious. Everyone in the living room was standing completely still as if movement would trigger his inevitable attack. They were all armed though; werewolves and Kanima were each armed with one curtain rod while the humans all had two. All the rods were bent beyond repair and some of the curtains were ripped. Derek wasn't sure who the mastermind behind this was, because it seemed like something any of them would do, so he decided they would all pay.

"Danny, Stiles, and Allison you three get to clean this up." Derek said and they all gasped.

"We weren't the only ones that –"

"Silence!" Derek shouted the command and they all flinched and then he turned his eyes to the others, "The rest of you get to go buy replacements for anything that's been broken. I'm going to cook lunch and when I get done I want the living room to look like it did before."

Everyone jumped to his order and did as they were told. Some were rushing out the door as others began to get trash bags and at some point Scott and Stiles slammed into each other in the midst of the panic. It was funny that they didn't even realize Derek said he was going to cook, but there he was in the kitchen all his apron-wearing wearing glory.

"Jackson, tell Lydia to pick out some lamps too." Danny said on the phone as Stiles got the broom and dust pan.

"_How many?" _Jackson asked him. Danny looked up just in time to see Stiles, who had been sweeping up the lamps, get knocked out by the floor lamp as it fell.

"Ohhh crap… Uh, get two table lamps, floor, lamp – Allison, get him some ice – and the flat screen won't turn on." Danny said trying to turn it on.

"_Is it even plugged in?"_ Jackson asked him.

"Uh, no," he answered sheepishly.

"Danny, get to work!" Derek roared from the kitchen.

"Yes sir!"

* * *

Pack Rule # 21: No peeping on the girls.

Derek walked up the stairs and when he turned the corner he saw Scott standing by a door that was cracked open. He had this stupid looking grin on his face and then Derek smelled it; arousal. He figured one of the girls was unknowingly giving him a peep show and that didn't sit well with Derek.

Scott sailed down the stairs and Derek flew after him. He landed on his back and slid across the hard wood floors. The guys in the living room paused their video game and watched in silence. Scott tired to make himself seem as small as possible to avoid his Alpha's wrath. He wasn't even sure what he had done wrong, but as angry as Derek was he knew he was in for it. Scott whimpered like a puppy when Derek grabbed him and dragged him further across the floor and out the front door.

"Tell us what's happening!" Stiles spoke for both himself and Danny as the rest of them cocked their heads and listened.

"You will not peep on any girl in this house!" Derek roared in Scott's face.

"Dude, she's my girlfriend!" Scott protested to no avail.

"I don't care if she's your mother, in my house you will NOT watch any girl undress unless she said you could! Do I make myself clear?!" Derek was screaming at him and Stiles didn't really need the others to tell him any longer. Scott nodded as he lay on his back and submitted to his Alpha. "Good, now leave and don't come back until I tell you otherwise."

Scott ran with his tail tucked between his legs – figuratively speaking of course – and didn't even look back. The rest of the guys were quiet as Derek walked into the house and no one went against his rule of not peeping on the girls. A week later Scott came back, but no one spoke of what happened.

* * *

Pack Rule # 3: Don't eat it if you don't know how long it's been in the fridge.

Isaac and Scott opened the fridge and looked around. The fridge was full, but they swore there was nothing in there. Finally after looking around they found two boxes of pizza that had probably been there since they remodeled the house. After scraping off the discolored cheese and toppings they put more sauce, cheese and toppings on it. It looked as good as new after they pulled it out of the microwave. They didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

"Guys we got pizza." They called the rest of the pack into the kitchen and everyone ate.

_Two hours later…_

Derek looked in the fridge wondering where those old pizzas had gone. He wasn't sure if he had threw it out earlier that day, but he knew it had gone bad from the smell. He turned around to find Lydia and Allison in the kitchen. Allison had her head in the trash can and Lydia was holding back her hair like her boyfriend should have been doing. That's when he smelled it; rotten pizza and vomit.

"Did you guys eat the pizza that was in the fridge earlier today?" Derek asked Lydia.

"Yeah, why?" she asked him.

"Take her home and tell everyone to get to the living room." Derek said to her.

"Hey, Stiles and Danny threw up outside, I'm going to take them home." Jackson said and Lydia sighed.

"I'll take them; I'm already taking Allison home." Lydia told him.

"Why is everyone getting sick?" Allison asked Derek.

"Food poisoning," Derek said with a shrug, "It's slower on the others because their werewolves." Jackson raised his brows at Derek expectantly, "And Kanima."

"So we'll be sick here soon too, but you want to keep us here?" Lydia asked him. She wasn't a werewolf, but she did could heal like them which meant that she had an immune system like a werewolf.

"It's a wolf thing to want to be close to their pack when their sick." Derek said with a shrug.

"I wanna go home." Allison mumbled.

"Hold on a sec." Derek turned around and walked over and opening the cabinet beneath the kitchen. He was thankful he had kept all these ice cream buckets. "You might want to give each of them one of these."

"Yeah, I really don't want to clean vomit out of my car." She said taking them, "Why are there four?"

"In case you get sick on your way back here." He told her and she grimaced.

Once they were out of his hair Derek went up the stairs and got an arm full of blankets from the closet and pillow. When he got to the living room he found his pack sitting around and the smell of fever rolled off of them.

"All of you go get an ice cream bucket out from under the kitchen sink." He said and they wordlessly followed his command. Derek moved the coffee table and then pushed the couch back a little as they walked in. Everyone found a spot and curled up with a bucket. "If you feel sick throw up in that bucket."

Erica was the first to get sick, but the others were soon to follow. Lydia came back already sick and curled up with them as well. They were all too sick to notice Derek worrying over them like a mother hen. He fell asleep on the floor with them, but somehow ended up waking up in the middle of their puppy pile the next morning. Derek escaped without waking anyone and then started on breakfast. Buttered toast for everyone.

* * *

Morana's Ramble: Did you miss my updates? I know you did~! Okay, so I had someone say they thought this should be Sterek, but I don't write slash or guy on guy or whatever you want to call it. I have nothing against the pairing or any male/male pairing it's just not my thing. Plus there's a lot of it in this fandom and I know I can't be the only one that just wants a story where those two aren't all over each other. Also Stiles is 16 and Derek is 23... That's just wrong. I'm 18 and I won't even date a 17 year old so... yeah. Anyway enough of that.

The thing with the curtain rods actually happened in my life. Our teachers asked us where we got the bruises. It was hilarious... Or maybe I just thought it was funny. Anyway I hope it was funny, serious, and sweet enough for you guys. Please review~! Morana out~!


	6. Spit, texts, and horrible cooking

I think I got my funny back this chapter!

* * *

Pack Rule # 30: No one wants a spit bath.

Erica glanced at Derek. He just walked with his pack through the woods like they always did from time to time. She glanced at him again. There was this smudge. She glanced at him a third time, a fourth, fifth, sixth –

"Derek?" she spoke up.

"Hmm?" he grunted and glanced at her.

"You have a little dirt on your face." She said and he shrugged, "Hold still for a sec."

Derek stopped and she moved in front of him. He had no idea what his Beta was doing and then she licked her thumb. Erica wiped her spit on his cheek and rubbed it in. She hooked her sleeve on her thumb and wiped off the dirt. The look on Derek's face was priceless.

She smiled innocently and bounced up a head of the group that was now watching the two in shock. Derek took a deep breath and girt his teeth. "Thank you Erica."

"Anytime," She smiled happily.

"I told you he was taking anger management." Stiles whispered to Scott.

* * *

Pack Rule # 22: No drunken texting.

Derek looked at his messages before getting into his car, but he had to do a double take.

Stiles: can u pik ^ chesee wizz on ur way ham?

Lydia: I gotz the wiz don wrry bot it.

Scott: Duuuude how doe you kep in shape so well? Yur kinda nice lookin.

Boyd: Yew and me gotst to mack a fite clob.

Stiles: Hive u sin Danni we can't find her?

Danny: Im playin had in seek.

Allison: cane I tuch you adds?

Erica: hahah! You sow funie.

Jackson: I luv u.

Erica: Serisly Dany were r u?

Derek stared at his phone for a few moments before getting in his car and driving home. His house wasn't as trashed as it could've been, but beer cans were everywhere as well as his pack that were sleeping off the alcohol. When he got up the stairs he found Danny passed out in the bath tub.

Derek went to bed and decided to deal with everything in the morning. He just hoped Jackson didn't fall out the tree he was passed out in.

* * *

Pack Rule # 2: Clean up after yourself.

Everyone had a hangover, but Derek made them clean his house. After they got done with that at about four in the afternoon he showed them the text messages.

"What the hell did we use cheese wiz for?" Lydia asked Stiles and he shrugged.

"I don't remember much…"

"I sounded so gay…" Scott said looking at Derek with a mortified expression.

"Are you gay?" Danny asked him.

"Are you still drunk?" Scott shot back and Danny laughed and then winced from the hangover.

"Heh," Boyd laughed a little, "We should start a fight club."

"We'll see." Derek said rolling his eyes, but smiling nonetheless.

"Where the hell were you, Danny?" Stiles asked and he smiled.

"I'll never tell." He said looking away from them, "just in case we play hide and seek again."

"Why do you want to touch my… adds?" Derek said to Allison who turned as red as a tomato.

"I… I was drunk." She said and he laughed.

"Really? What gives you that idea?" he asked her.

"The hangover pretty much explains it." Lydia spoke up rubbing her temples.

"I was texting you and not Danny." Erica face-palmed and then sighed.

"I did not say that!" Jackson said standing up, "One of you had to steal my phone and do that!"

"You went up that tree with two six packs and never came back down." Lydia said to him, "Well until you fell this morning."

"I didn't fall." He snapped at her.

"Yeah, you jumped out of it; you just landed on your face." Stiles said and Jackson glared at him.

"Don't make me –"

"– go all werelizard on your ass?" Stiles cut him off with a sarcastic remark.

"That's it!" Derek sighed as he pulled the 'werelizard' off of the now paralyzed human. It was just another day in the life of a supernatural creature named Derek Hale.

* * *

Pack Rule # 28: Boyd is not allowed to cook.

Everyone smiled politely and tired to eat whatever it was Boyd scooped out into their bowls. It looked like the stuff that Scott and Isaac scrapped off of the pizzas only floating in red-brown goop and had some other things that looked like they could be found under a fallen tree. Everyone looked at Derek who was staring down at the bowl of… only Boyd knows what, as if he was wonder if it would try to eat him before he got the appetite to eat it.

"Well dig in." Boyd chirped as he plopped down in his cafeteria chair. He ate it like it was steak. Stiles tried to give Alpha a little but even he turned his nose up to it and ran out of the room. The girls ruined that dog by feeding him the good stuff.

"Hey, uh, what is this?" Stiles said giving him a friendly smile.

"It's soup." He said not even looking up.

"Oh…" Everyone pretended to eat, but as soon as Boyd left the room they threw it out.

"When he goes to sleep I'll take us all out for pizza." Derek whispered and they all nodded happily.

* * *

Cut The Dotted Line: Okay so the last one wasn't as funny as it could've been, but I started drawing a blank so it was a little sucky. I have to say thank MegalegU for the idea from Texts From Last Night . If you haven't read it, then I seriously suggest you do. I thought it was hilarious. Also if any of you are reading my other story The Lone Wolf I have a poll up you might want to check out. So yeah... I'd love some reviews, please? Morana out~!


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